Love

Such a short word, but such a complicated meaning. Some kinds of love, we are so sure of. Like how much I love my parents. But sometimes you just don’t know. I had fallen in love with the idea of love. And that was such a stupid thing to do. I had fantasies in my head not knowing once that my reality was something else. It hit me one day that what I thought was love, was just a business transaction called marriage. I realised that I hardly knew him. I knew only the bright & happy version of him in my fantasies. And reality was quite dark & scary. But still I never gave up in the hope that I can turn things around. I put up with things that I would never have in my right mind. I was scared of him. I was scared of his parents. And I lived in that fear for what felt like forever. But there was a point beyond which I couldn’t take it. I didn’t want to exist anymore. This is when I told my parents everything.

Yes, the biggest mistake I did was keep my parents out of this. I didn’t want to worry them (like the typical Indian girl). The moment I told them how I was being treated they brought me back to my senses. I realised, what was the point living in fear. You grow up seeing women who tolerate humiliation & abuse & think it will all go away one day. No-one questions – Who are they to hurt me? Thankfully I got rid of those monsters from my life & I couldn’t be happier.

At the end of it all I realised that love is no fantasy.

Reason

We always keep searching for a reason to everything that happens in life. Why did this happen to me? I have asked myself this question numerous times & it has only made me miserable. One day, I just stopped seeing reason in everything that happens. I even don’t want to believe when people say, “Everything happens for a reason”. Shit happens! You either start searching for reasons why it happened or buck up & deal with it.

I was in the reasoning phase when I was going through the worst nightmare of my life. One day, I just looked back & realised, all I need to do is take a decision that makes me happy. I did just that & there was a sudden gush of relief. I started smiling & laughing again. Those were the things I thought I’d never get back. Finally the cloud of reason cleared & I saw things for the way they are.

There will be happy moments & there will be sad moments. But I don’t want to find out why they happen anymore. Just live life as it comes, maybe with a little planning (the Virgo in me cannot sleep otherwise).

 

Compromise

“You are a woman, you make the compromises”

I have been given this advice enough number of times. I have seen most women making compromises for their spouses. It could be their career, their dream city to live, their desire to have a nuclear family rather than a joint one etc.  Men can just come back from work & laze around watching TV. But even if a woman works she is expected to double up as a housewife when she comes home. And when kids come into the picture the word fun will be forgotten.

Compromise is really about meeting halfway. Men probably go 1/4th of the way and women have to make the rest 3/4th. So it always makes me wonder why do women make that extra effort? The answer is simple. I have always asked the women I know why they have to go through all this. They say that their husbands may sometimes act as assholes but they love & support them when they really need it. They are always concerned even when they are angry with their wives. Yes, men do have their big egos, all of them do, no exceptions. But underneath all that they do care. Some men say it, some men show it. But that is enough for a woman to make 3/4th of the way.  I mean seriously why do men find it so hard to understand!

But what if those compromises mean nothing? What if the person you love doesn’t care a damn about the things you give up? What if they take you for granted? Unrequited love is never worth the compromise you make. And the worst part is waiting for that person to change. Waiting for the person to trust you. You could waste years of your precious life trying to get him to love you & fail. He may only see you as someone who his parents wanted him to marry. Waiting for such a person to change is not worth your freedom after all. What if I have married such a man? What if I go all the way & still not be loved? I would be shattered to my core. But probably I would emerge stronger than I ever was. Maybe I needed such an undeserving man to find my true strength. Only time will tell.

My love for you

There was a time when we talked for hours when everyone around was asleep. There was a time when we had to share everything that happened in our lives. There was time when we could not wait to see each other. There was a time when nothing else mattered in the world but us.

But all that has changed now. Now you don’t want to talk to me. Now you don’t even think of me. Now you hate the things that I do.  Now you want me out of your life. Now I am a waste of your time. Now I no longer interest you. Now you don’t even want to see me.

Yes, I made mistakes. Yes, you made mistakes too. You have an ego. I have an ego too. But now I want to forget it all. I have forgiven you for your mistakes. I have thrown my ego away. But you have not forgiven me & you have nurtured your ego. I don’t know you anymore. You were someone I trusted blindly. But you have broken my trust, you have broken my love for you.

There’s nothing more I can do but wait for you to change your mind. That may happen or may never happen, I don’t know. If you are happy without me just say it. I’ll let you go. Because I have still not given up. I still have hope.

The Beginning

The beginning of everything is always fun & exciting. Be it a new project, new work or even new relationships. We look forward to a new day with lots of expectations. We make tons of plans & in the beginning we try to stick to our plans with utmost perfection. This phase is never meant to last forever and the problems begin when we think it will & we make way for such expectations to creep into our brains.

Then a day comes when this beginning is no longer a beginning. We are right in the middle of it. The monotony sets in and slowly encroaches into the fun land we claimed to be our own. There is a lot of turbulence at this stage and this is when one’s true character is tested. Can we steady our own ship? Can we get out of this storm alive? There comes times when you have to make the most difficult decisions of your life. And believe me, you may have a hundred friends but this decision will be your own. Nobody in this world can give you the right advice but you. Listen to your heart, listen to your brain. Yes, they both are at war most of the times. But this war is your own to tackle. Sometimes the heart wins, sometimes the brain does. People always say listen to your heart & things will go right. I don’t always agree to this. Sometimes your brain brings you back from the fantasy your heart creates.

Then comes a phase when the war is over & peace is restored. You are now aboard a steady ship. You life may be going smoothly but you are also now well equipped to tackle problems. Because now you know what you really want. Not the excitement of the beginning. Not the turmoil in the middle. But the calmness in the end.